I thought I was dying I really did, So all of a sudden one normal day nothing special or unusual had happened and I was out walking when all of a sudden with no warning this:
- Heart Racing
- Shortness of breath - I definitely couldn't breathe properly, every breath I took just felt like a tenth of my usual breath intake, it wasn't enough, I needed more because now I'm starting to panic about the fact that I can't breathe properly, I think I'm gonna pass out here in a minute. The world is spinning, I really don't know what’s happening to me, I feel a little confused now and like something terrible is going to happen to me any second. I'm sweating profusely, my heart is literally pounding and I feel sick, I am actually losing all control of myself, I am very frightened now, what the hell am I going to do?
I Know I have a decision to make and I need to make it fast before it's too late because if I leave it any longer I will pass out on the floor, Right here in the middle of the street. So my choices are... Stay and try to calm myself down,' just give yourself a little more time, surely it will pass soon' (I told myself), followed by - 'don't be stupid this has been going on for what feels like ten minutes at least already, probably longer' (actually just a minute or two in reality), followed again by - 'OK then I have no choice, I have to run to safety, I need somewhere I feel safe and somewhere I can get help and reassurance, I mean how stupid will I look passing out in the street I'm a thirty something year old male in my prime, don't let people see you like this - GO - GO NOW!'
So off I set - I ran with the big bag I was carrying, I got to safety. relief immediately set in and it didn't feel as intense once I was in there, but it didn't disperse completely. The feelings I were experiencing were strong and I was still panicking and felt quite poorly. In the end (after an hour or so) I went to hospital by ambulance, I was convinced that there was something very seriously wrong with me, I'd talked myself into - it must be my heart - Is it a heart attack? I've never had one before I don't know how they feel, it’s got to be serious anyway and I think I need to get checked out so off I went to the hospital.
This is so embarrassing, I'm sent away with some advice on anxiety, I don't really know much about it, but I've heard of it before. I'm not convinced they are right I mean, I don't have like mental health problems, not me, I'm a together type of guy and anyway men don't get this sort of stuff, only the weak ones get this sort of thing and especially not men plus I'm not weak and fragile and that's what this means, I've been through all sorts in my thirty odd years and never been affected like this and further more I've not really got any problems at the minute, just moved in to my new house and things are looking good, Oh my! what will people think if it is this, I'm definitely not telling anyone, no chance. I will be ridiculed forever about this.
What followed for me was, what felt like an uncontrollable inability to go outside alone, some places worse than others but all places felt like a no go zone overall. they all evoked in me a similar feeling of anxiety, just thought of going out alone was creating these feelings. It felt easier when I had someone with me but still very uncomfortable.
So, what did I do next?
Join me again for the next chapter in my battle with anxiety.